|
In my current work environment, my coworkers often refuse to wear pants. HR says that he knows it’s a problem, but he’s got to mow the grass, so he’ll talk to them at snack time. I’ve seen a string of these kinds of statements on social media recently, and I love them. They give comedic relief to the difficulty of working at home with children. Maybe your “coworkers” aren’t attending Zoom class as they should, or they’re eating all your groceries faster than you can go on your next curbside pick up run. I’m no math whiz, but I just don’t see how my husband and I can maintain our 8 (+) hour work days with both children staying entertained and educated for those same 8 hours. It's impossible to continue life like we did before I’m sure you’ve figured out. I hope this issue of Eagle Counseling Newsletter gives you some insight about what’s been working for us as well as some resources for the very unique situation we’re all in. What’s Been Working for Us Follow Your Family’s Natural Rhythm In one month, my oldest daughter turns 3 and my youngest turns 1, so we’re in a stage of life where we constantly assess our schedule. Our family has a natural rhythm in regards to when we do things like wake up, eat, sleep, play, and relax. The more we can do these things in sync with each other, the less frustrated we become. For example, if our family wakes up around the same time, we’re hungry around the same time, and we eat together. We make one mess in the kitchen at a time, and we fall in line with each other regarding the other two meals (and two snacks) of the day. We all need quiet time and loud time in the day also. I need quiet for working, and my kids need quiet for sleeping. On good days, those coincide. When my kids are ready for loud, wild, play time, if I've used my time well, I can feel free to have some wild time with them. I find myself getting resentful when we are all trying to do things in our own time and schedule, and my kids are resentful when I overuse the line, "Just give me 5 more minutes for emails honey," so I have to make sure to use their quiet time wisely. When it's time for me to give them attention, I have to make sure it's my full attention. A solid, uninterrupted hour of outside play, running around the house, or other high energy activity, gives me more quiet time to work later because they've had their "mom fill" for a little bit. Experts are also saying that screen time recommendations should be considered somewhat lifted right now, but I would add that using screen time strategically can give you some much needed time later. This week, I needed time from 10:30-11:30 am for Zoom class, so we saved our morning cartoon time for that time slot. Then I could release myself from the guilt about our cyber babysitter, and Charli wasn't bored with TV when I needed her to be glued in one spot. By talking about your schedule with the other adults in your home, and your children who are old enough to grasp time, you can be more intentional with your time. To help you with this, Issue 6 of ECN contains two great articles about revamping your family meal times to make the most of your time together. Intentionally Connect Our families are contained together, but that does not mean we have to connect. Just like before the stay at home order, we have to intentionally connect with one another. Some great ways to do that are cooking and eating meals together, watching TV or movies together, family walks (get out of the house!), or doing a project together like painting a room or doing chores. We’re currently doing lots of yard projects, and Charli likes to help scoop dirt with her own little shovel. The Dani, the little one, likes to eat the dirt, but that’s a separate thing. Everyone's a little bored right now, so why not treat your boredom together? I know many of you are playing more games together, getting into different hobbies together, and trying to seek joy daily. I admire you for that! Give Kids Direction and Purpose At school, your kids are used to routine, purpose, having to do things they don’t want to do, getting out of their comfort zone, being polite, owning a classroom job, and getting along with people different than them. I promise we really did teach them those things. Now that they are contained with you and maybe siblings, if everyone seems a bit snippy, give them more ownership of the household. That seems scary, but hear me out. I read once that you should never discourage a kid from doing something you want them to do later. Charli usually gets food all over the floor trying to put her plate in the sink, but she always takes her plate to the sink. I either take her plate to the sink myself and try to train her later (potentially an old dog learning new tricks situation), or I clean up the floor until she’s a little taller and more coordinated,OR she learns to clean up the floor too. I’m a control freak, so I get the hesitation, but experts will tell you that kids need ownership and responsibility at a young age so they can handle more as they grow. Here are some life skills to teach your children right now (even your two year olds) that won’t add more work to your plate: setting and clearing the table, laundry, organizing toys, taking care of pets, yard work, and making their bed. Another life skill to work on right now is the importance of independent or self-play time. Kids need some time to play independently in a structured way, which may give you a little bit of work time you need also. Give them specific activities that are "me time" activities such as reading, coloring, or legos that they know how to do on their own. A friend of mine set up a kid sized desk in her office so when she works, her 4 year old "works" too. Great idea! Reassess, Reallocate, and Release Yourself from Guilt I resent when people say “we have more time than ever now." That statement causes panic and shame for me because I immediately think of all the things I'm not doing with "all my extra time." In reality, we still have the same 24 hours as always, we just have to reassess our time, and understand that we can’t allocate it where we did before. As parents, we have to give our kids more time and our work less time right now. That’s really hard for me because teaching and counseling are my passions, and as much as I love my daughters, I gain fulfillment through my work outside of the home. That doesn’t make me a bad parent. It means this time of parenting 24/7 is emotionally and mentally tiring. If you’re in the same boat, rest assured that this is not forever. Release yourself from the guilt of missing your job and your time at work. You worked hard for your career that may feel like it’s been put on the back burner. I don’t know that we’ll have a ton more stay at home or work at home parents after this pandemic, and that’s okay. For now, reassess where you need to spend your time, reallocate your time for the current situation, and release yourself from the guilt of all the things you aren't getting done. We’re all navigating this strange new world that is honestly, getting a little old. Hang in there. We’re going to make it through, and your family is going to be stronger and more resilient because of it. I hope the little that I’ve learned about helping my own family helps you, and below are some resources I’ve found useful in this journey as well. Please know that I’m praying for you and your family, and I’m just a Zoom call away if you need anything. - Michelle Dwyer How to Create a Quarantine Schedule for Kids at Home That Won't Stress You Out |
A Blended Family Holiday | A Good Problem to Have: |
Stress Management as a Family
When students talk to us about things that stress them out, we always ask them if they’ve talked to their parents about it. After all, parents are their number one supporters, right? The responses we get most often are, “No, they are too busy.” “They have their own stress to deal with.” “I never see them because they have a lot going on.” I don’t tell you that to make you feel guilty because I don’t know that those statements are an accurate representation of your family. Instead, many times, they are a child’s perception of the truth. I remember growing up and hearing about my parents’ work stress at the dinner table. When I had the opportunity to work as a helper at my mom’s office one summer in high school, I got to experience first hand the complaints I had been hearing about. How do we balance sharing our day to day experiences with students while still conveying that we still have plenty of time and mental/emotional capacity to hear our children’s concerns? I tell students all the time that becoming a parent means your strength doubles. You not only continue to carry your own junk, but God enables you to carry anything your children have going on too. That’s part of our calling and while it’s certainly taxing at times, we’d rather know than be left in the dark. Below are two articles from the American Psychological Association about managing stress and holiday stress and a video describing the most important issue facing kids today: stress.
“Thank You, God” A Skit Guys Video
When I was first introduced to this video by a friend and fellow teacher, I was excited because there was a Skit Guys video that I had not seen, which is rare. However, as it played I was hit by two things: the first was a feeling of surprise at how many of those situations have been a part of my life over the years and how it helped me to “take stock” of those memories a little. But the second thing that struck me was the responses of those individuals in their various situations, and how faith shaped their attitude and their answer to life’s problems. I can honestly say that my responses were not the same as theirs, but I hope they would be more like them at this point in my faith and life.
Each shared a faith and hope, a sense of humility and gratefulness in their individual circumstances. But be it bills, job loss, or cancer, they gave thanks for God’s provision, hope, and faithfulness despite their situations. I give thanks that we have a God who loves us and is Gracious with His responses even when we are not with ours. Like He shares with us in 1 Thessalonians 5:15-22, He says “See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.”
Our hope for you this holiday season is that no matter your situation(s), the Lord will show you and remind you of the good in your life. Sometimes it is the big things like a new job, a new home, a child, but these are gifts that are not always a part of the story for everyone. Joy may also be found in the simple things: a kind word from a friend or even stranger, having a family, even if it is composed of friends, a hug, a smile, or even time. Whatever the case, may you find Joy this season as we once again celebrate friends, family, and the Gift of Christ Jesus!
Click below for Scripture Verses on Giving Thanks.
Each shared a faith and hope, a sense of humility and gratefulness in their individual circumstances. But be it bills, job loss, or cancer, they gave thanks for God’s provision, hope, and faithfulness despite their situations. I give thanks that we have a God who loves us and is Gracious with His responses even when we are not with ours. Like He shares with us in 1 Thessalonians 5:15-22, He says “See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.”
Our hope for you this holiday season is that no matter your situation(s), the Lord will show you and remind you of the good in your life. Sometimes it is the big things like a new job, a new home, a child, but these are gifts that are not always a part of the story for everyone. Joy may also be found in the simple things: a kind word from a friend or even stranger, having a family, even if it is composed of friends, a hug, a smile, or even time. Whatever the case, may you find Joy this season as we once again celebrate friends, family, and the Gift of Christ Jesus!
Click below for Scripture Verses on Giving Thanks.
Finding Interdependence: Healthy Relationships Within a Family
Developing healthy relationships can be a tall order, and as I have found over the years both personally and professionally, this is never more evident than during the holidays. Whether we are surrounded by family and friends (maybe a little too closely), or are battling loss, absence or distance of loved ones, our relational gaps come more closely into view as we have a little more time to think or reminisce, or maybe keep ourselves busy and preoccupied so we do not have to. However, it makes me sad when it is echoed throughout our culture how we should all do our own thing because the pinnacle of health is Independence. Our culture, like many others, touts the importance of independence, and this permeates even to the level of our families.
To better understand this, we look at this as more of a spectrum. On the one side is independence, which has healthy elements as well as unhealthy such as isolation, selfishness, and narcissism. On the other end of the spectrum is codependence, and while not all bad, has other unhealthy balances like a loss of self, inability to think or act on one’s own, and self-consciousness. In the middle of the spectrum, shining like a beacon, is both the balance and the original design to relationships: Interdependence. This is where two or more people are dependent on each other, but for the purpose of helping. Some might argue that they “need to be independent, that’s not healthy!,” or call it codependency, but in this case all parties are contributing equally. This definition does not work for children because they journey through lessening levels of dependency to one of the other three, hopefully interdependence. We see examples of interdependence everyday without always realizing it: a manager and their employees, a husband and wife, or a teacher and students for example. All work together equally in the healthiest versions of themselves and share responsibility when things are going well and otherwise. When we look at the original design of relationships, we see two examples: first, God created the first man Adam out of dust so that He might have someone to love and to enjoy and appreciate all that He had created. Second, God created Eve out of Adam’s rib because God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Both of these relationship models were created by God as examples to us, and even though we do not always like the idea of being fully dependent on someone, which is maybe why we ultimately rebel against the idea in the first place, we are at our best when we fully rely and depend on God. He gave us each other, not just spouses, or children, family or friends, but all people, so that we might love and depend on each other all as God’s children.
In our experience, the concept and practice of interdependence is more of a “simmer” mindset than a "flash boil," so this is a subject we will keep revisiting. An encouragement as you explore interdependence in the articles below would be this: yes, it takes more time, effort, patience, and the list goes on. Interdependence is messy. But life is already messy as it is, and it is much richer, stronger, and fuller when we work, live, laugh, love, cry, strive and fight shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand.
For some ideas on what it means or might look like, here are a couple of articles as you look into what interdependence might look like for you:
To better understand this, we look at this as more of a spectrum. On the one side is independence, which has healthy elements as well as unhealthy such as isolation, selfishness, and narcissism. On the other end of the spectrum is codependence, and while not all bad, has other unhealthy balances like a loss of self, inability to think or act on one’s own, and self-consciousness. In the middle of the spectrum, shining like a beacon, is both the balance and the original design to relationships: Interdependence. This is where two or more people are dependent on each other, but for the purpose of helping. Some might argue that they “need to be independent, that’s not healthy!,” or call it codependency, but in this case all parties are contributing equally. This definition does not work for children because they journey through lessening levels of dependency to one of the other three, hopefully interdependence. We see examples of interdependence everyday without always realizing it: a manager and their employees, a husband and wife, or a teacher and students for example. All work together equally in the healthiest versions of themselves and share responsibility when things are going well and otherwise. When we look at the original design of relationships, we see two examples: first, God created the first man Adam out of dust so that He might have someone to love and to enjoy and appreciate all that He had created. Second, God created Eve out of Adam’s rib because God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Both of these relationship models were created by God as examples to us, and even though we do not always like the idea of being fully dependent on someone, which is maybe why we ultimately rebel against the idea in the first place, we are at our best when we fully rely and depend on God. He gave us each other, not just spouses, or children, family or friends, but all people, so that we might love and depend on each other all as God’s children.
In our experience, the concept and practice of interdependence is more of a “simmer” mindset than a "flash boil," so this is a subject we will keep revisiting. An encouragement as you explore interdependence in the articles below would be this: yes, it takes more time, effort, patience, and the list goes on. Interdependence is messy. But life is already messy as it is, and it is much richer, stronger, and fuller when we work, live, laugh, love, cry, strive and fight shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand.
For some ideas on what it means or might look like, here are a couple of articles as you look into what interdependence might look like for you:
Interdependence Day(s): | How to Balance Interdependence with Autonomy to Achieve Happiness at Home |
